Snowpacolypse 09 DC Style!

On December 19th, the Washington DC area was besieged by a storm of astronomical proportions. It was the 7th biggest snowfall in the history of the nation's capital. As is often the case with major snowstorms, this storm has garnered several names over the past couple days including the standard if slightly uncreative DC Blizzard of 09 and the Capital Crippler. While these names seem fitting, here's a list of a few names I've also heard in passing. Which one is your favorite?

1) Snowbama!

2) Snowpacolypse

3) DC Shopper Stopper

4) The Beltway Blizzard

5) snOMG

6) The Fender Bender Decade Ender

7) The Decade Dandy

Also, if you haven't seen this gem of a video yet, check it out!

The Better Mousetrap

About two months ago I walked into my kitchen one night, turned on the light, and was surprised to see a mouse scurrying along the counter backsplash and ducking into the range on the stove. This was the first appearance of the Big Brown One (BBO). 

In truth, the BBO wasn't that big. He was on the smaller side of your average mouse. I let his initial appearance slide -- partly because I was hoping that he would divide his time between the three apartments in the building, and I wouldn't see that much of him. I also didn't want to upset Sarah, my roommate and ex-girlfriend. From time to time, I would see the BBO scurrying through the kitchen, or along the hallway. Once, I thought I heard a rustling in my office trash, and when I went to check he made a heroic leap a foot and a half into the air, and ran off. 

The moment of decision came one night when I entered the kitchen and saw the BBO ducking into the oven, followed closely by a Little Grey One (LGO). He was breeding. It was bad enough that he was living off my spoils: I wasn't going to allow him to fuck in my apartment. I don't even fuck in my apartment.

As expected, when I told Sarah about the mice, she initially refused to allow me to get traps. Even after she saw the mice herself, she still imagined them as charming animation, singing duets with their scruffy cat companions and emigrating to the United States to find cheese and freedom. I tried to impress on her that mice spread disease. We could get the plague, for Chrissake. She insisted on live traps. I told her she would have to pay for them.

It wasn't until the day before Thanksgiving, when I cleaned off the countertops while baking pies and showed her all the mouse shit hidden behind the jars and microwave, that she consented to let me kill the bastards. They loved the shit behind the microwave. Something about microwaves just screams "Shit behind me!" to mice.  

I bought four traps. They were the conventional types, made of wood with a metal spring. Baited with peanut butter, I cleaned the kitchen of all food, and laid them on the counter. Within a day they were licked clean. I tried new configurations. They were licked clean. I tried weighting the springs. They were licked clean. The mice licked a half jar of peanut butter off this traps over the course of a week. Finally, I settled on a configuration where the mice would have to walk over three traps to get to the trap with peanut butter. It worked in twenty minutes.

The trap went off when I was in my bedroom, and I heard it from down the hall. Unfortunately, it hadn't worked as advertised. When I went into the kitchen, the mouse was not in the trap. Instead, he was in the middle of the kitchen floor, eight feet away from the traps: and he wasn't dead. He had been thrown by the spring, and clearly sustained some level of brain damage. It was my unfortunate experience to have to watch it as it kicked its legs repeatedly, spasmed, and died. It was the Little Grey One.

While the experience was not a pleasant one, I nevertheless set the traps back up and waited to catch the Big Brown One. The traps were licked clean for another week. The BBO was smart. Also, he spawned again. I saw him with another LGO one night.

Three days ago, I got feed up. I hid in the dining room, about fifteen feet away from the oven, and stood absolutely still for half an hour. I waited; this was research. Patience was rewarded when they mice came out and started fucking around on the stove. The brown one, and TWO little grey ones. Three fucking mice. Store bought traps were no longer going to cut it. I was forced to resort to my Boy Scout training, and knowledge of cartoons. I cleared the counter top, and set up a briefcase. I placed peanut butter, bread, and raisins in the briefcase. I taped a weight to the top, and propped it open with a magic marker. I tied a twenty-foot string to the marker, and stood in the dining room with the other end of the string. I waited.

I waited until they came out. One of the LGOs crawled in, and I sprung the trap. You'd better fucking believe that I got him. I dumped him off the back balcony. After that, I think they sensed my presence and didn't come out. To counter this, I fed the string around the corner and down the hallway. Every hour or so, I would walk to the kitchen and pull the string, shutting the briefcase. Of four times I pull it, I got mice three times. Two little grey ones, and the big brown one -- he was last.

There was only one fatality. One of the LGOs got caught in the shutting lid. All in all, though, I caught three mice in a few hours, using the most primitive device imaginable, where the more sophisticated method had repeatedly failed.

I was feeling pretty good yesterday when I walked into the kitchen and saw two more little grey mice running along the backsplash and ducking into the oven. I've spent the last two days trying to trap them. The briefcase has stopped working. They're learning.

(PRB)

A Cautionary Tale for Lovers

Brought to you by the Bureau of Foreign Youth Exchange Programmes:

"Italy is beautiful," Amanda thought, as she walked the streets of the quaint Italian village.

It was twilight, the magic hour. The shadows and the cool colors danced on the cream colored walls and played down the tight streets, guiding the local children home for supper. Even though Amanda had been in this European paradise for a couple months now, it was still hard to believe how beautiful her temporary home was. She was grateful to herself that she decided to take a semester abroad and not stay in the states to get those extra credits.

She was tired from her day of study, but the buzz of the local shops gave her a second wind. America did not offer such a vibrant life. The people here used their hands; cooking, baking, constructing, caressing. A simple thing, like a friendly conversation, was handled with grace and dignity. Having seen such elegance, Amanda now saw America as a bloated cow stumbling down a dirt road with no destination. Amanda did not want to leave.

Amanda suddenly stopped in her tracks. She couldn't believe it, but there sitting at the cafe reading a book, by himself, was Raffaele. Handsome Raffaele. A soft spoken classmate, Amanda had had a crush on him for weeks now.

A second surprise! Raffaele, spotting Amanda, waved her over to sit with him. Before Amanda knew it, she was sitting right next to the young Italian, studying his peaceful brown eyes.

Talking to him in Italian was pure joy, second only to listening to him. She was memorized by his lips as he coolly spoke to her about the test next week, when all of a sudden, she felt his warm hand on her delicate one. Her breath was quickly taken away. She slowly looked down at the two hands touching, and then slowly back at Raffaele. His words of next week's test were now replaced with words of his affection for Amanda.

Amanda could only smile. She did not know what to say, but did not have to think long, as Raffaele turned her smile into a kiss.

Amanda exploded inside. "Italy is beautiful!" she thought. "I feel like I can do anything. Nothing can go wrong. Nothing can go wrong! I can do anything! I can do anything! I AM ABOVE THE LAW."

WRONG! Please reference Case 0149.

A Message from the Bureau of Foreign Youth Exchange Programmes:

When falling in love in romantic, foreign countries, you are still subject to the law. The law is enforced by these countries' governments. There are some cases where claiming insanity has worked, with the accused being diagnosed with the "love crazy" syndrome. However, this rarely works.

If you are young with a virgin heart and will be traveling abroad, it is highly recommended that you avoid falling in love with young, charming foreigners at all cost. If you do fall in love, penalties may include a $500,000 fine or 25-26 years in jail.

Please be advised. Thank you.

(TJS)

Best of my Decade

So as the end of the year approaches (Huzzah Claymas!), every news outlet seems to put out some sort of look back, best of the year, or greatest/worst of every movie, book, or album. I am a huge sucker for these; it gets me off to no end to see something that I love or hate acknowledged and debated. This year is no different, except now it’s also the end of a decade, and so now we are blessed with lists covering 10 years worth! My only beef with these lists is they seem so limited by category.

If I listened only to music for fun, or took in cinema for my only form of entertainment, I’d be able to produce one single “genre” entertainment list.

But this is not the case. Feeling this was unfair to all the experiences I had ingested over the course of ten years, I challenged myself to create a best of list of mixed media from the past decade that, for better or worse, entertained me. No limits. If it occupied my time in the last ten years, it was up for grabs. Now in some particular order is the

BEST OF MY DECADE

10. Cloud Tectonics by Jose Rivera (2001)

This play continues to amaze me. Looking for new plays in college, it was the cover art that pulled me in. It was this dilapidated house that held this naked body that seemed to fluctuate in between two worlds. It had nothing to do with the play I am talking about but it led me to the collection. The last play in the trio was Cloud Tectonics, and it was right up my alley. I knew I was going to like it from the start based on the quotes at the beginning of the play from Pablo Neruda and Stephen Hawking. They set the mood of the play. The play is a boy meets girl story that plays with time, love, and sex. Rivera’s plays have been described as “magical realism” and are able to capture the time that passes when you’re with someone you love. Even though I know this play very well now, every time I read it, I feel my heart expand.

9. Old 97’s- Fight Songs (2000)

“All I ever wanted to do, was lie around in bed with you. I was only 19.”

In the early part of the 2000’s, this CD was the soundtrack for my next two years. A combination of love and heartbreak songs so perfect at the time, I should have commissioned them myself, and all of them from an alt-country band in my home state. My move from Texas to the East Coast a year behind me, I felt that this album was a taste of home sent to make me remember to never forget. I gave a copy to anyone with a CD player and a faint interest in the music. And while the best Old 97’s album might be “Too Far to Care,” this one cut me right to the core. If anyone wants a copy of either let me know.

8. A Midsummer Nights Dream (2003, 2004)

I toured with this show for two summers in Boston, and while I do love the play, the main reason it was on this list is the fact that I spent two summers in an amazing city where all I had to do was work on something I was passionate about. It was like college with out all the bullshit. From sun up to sun down, I was building shows, rehearsing, or taking master classes in a number of theater arts. While I still work on shows with people I love, they don’t compare to those summers with free rent, free breakfast, and the words of the Bard.

7. Halo 2 -Video Game (2004)

Ok, I can wield two different guns and kill my friend Joey Klecan who moved to New York to go to pharmacy school? Hells Yes!

This game made me its bitch, from late nights talking to 12 year olds who just pwned me using the noob-combo to the campaign, which let me play as both Master Chief and the Arbiter. While the end of the game was a bit of a let down, the countless hours (I can count, I just don’t want to) online made up for it in every way.

6. Neko Case- Fox Confessor Brings The Flood (2006)

"Everything’s so easy for Pauline .... "

Neko Case’s first solo album in four years just plain rocks in addition to her voice still being amazing. This is a classic case where an artist grows and leaves a little of the twang behind for the better, and while it might not be in the music as much, you can definitely hear it in her angelic voice.

5. Maryland vs Duke at Cole Field House (2001)

The year before the Terps won the national championship, and I was ready to set fire to anything that would burn in celebration, I witnessed a huge upset at Cole Field House. I had to watch the final minute (what would be called the Miracle Minute) from the top of the student section because I was on my way out.

Thinking we were safe with a ten point lead, the hated Blue Devils took sixty seconds to score ten points to send the game into overtime, they would go on to win the game. They would also win later in the year taking the Terps out of the NCAA tournament, another fan to the flame of the Maryland/ Duke rivalry, which does exist, no matter what Duke says.

4. Doing it!

I got it on more in the last ten years ,with diffrent people, then any other time up till that point. I might not have such high numbers this next decade, and thats really not such a bad thing.

3. Bio Shock- Video Game (2008)

Quite simply marvelous. Part first person shooter, part strategy, part pipe dream, it made me feel like I was playing a movie. The story alone was kick ass , it even made Ayn Rand interesting. Spooky and visually interesting with a moral compass, it created a world that I didn’t want to leave. So much so that when I was close to the end, I would shelve it for weeks at a time. It should be played for the twists alone.

2. This American Life (2000-Present)

It started with a present and a promise. In the early part of the decade, one of my good friends gave me the disc of her favorite radio program, Lies, Sissies and Fiascoes: The Best of This American Life. It just stuck. It was funny and sad, and more than that seemed very honest. I would be the guy waiting on Sunday afternoon to hear the soothing, slightly effeminate voice of Ira Glass telling me stories about other people trying their best or the very effeminate voice of David Sedaris telling me stories of a childhood way more terrible than mine.

I would audio stream my favorites on my PC over and over while in college, and then with the dawn of the the iPod age, podcast them. I also went to the show live this year and sat in the 7th row. Even the TV show was well done. That one about pork farms still sticks with me. Now at the end of the decade, their coverage with the Planet Money people on the Recession is as informative as it is entertaining.

1. Arrested Development-TV series (2003-2006)

I am to blame for the downfall of this spectacular TV series because while it was still on air, I never watched it. For the first year it existed, I didn’t know about it. It was the DVD release of the first season and the fact that I could watch each episode one right after another finally made me take notice. It was everything the critics said and more; funny and smart and substantial.

So many jokes layered in each episode, even on the 12th viewing, you’re finding new things to laugh at. Oh man, I was a huge nerd about this show, throwing out quotes and seeing who could pick them up like we were in some secret club.

"Come ON!"

“A banger in the mouth”

“Get rid of the Seaward”

“Thank god they have my brands”

“Hey Brother”

“Is it?”

“Your gonna get some hop-ons”

“I am having a love affair with this ice cream sandwich”

And I wrote those just thinking about the show.

I really hope they make that movie, but until then

“ STEVE HOLT!”

-js

Vampires and Stupid Shit

On November 19th, the second installment in the Twilight series, New Moon, most likely opened at a theatre near you. Unless you live in some remote part of North Dakota, in which case you're one lucky son of a bitch. I hate New Moon!!!!!! I hate New Moon so much that I had the energy to put a multitude of exclamation points after the last sentence and enough energy left over to write this sentence explaining why I put a multitude of exclamation points after the last sentence. I hate New Moon so much that given the option between watching reruns of Reba for a week straight or sitting through New Moon once, I'd choose Reba. I hate New Moon so much that if I had to watch New Moon in order to save all the dying children in Darfur, I wouldn't do it. Okay, I might save the kids in Darfur, but the point is that I hate New Moon with a passion that's beyond the average man's comprehension.

You're probably wondering why I hate this new teeny bopper film with such fervor. Well I'll tell you why... I have absolutely no idea. I've never seen New Moon. I've never seen the first film either. I've never read a single word out of the books on which the movie is based. If you asked me to explain what the movie is about I'd probably say "Vampires and a bunch of stupid shit."

So why, if I've never seen the film or know next to nothing about it, do I have the right to hate it with such unabashed confidence. Because... it is a hate that needs no explanation. I believe that every person is entitled to irrationally hate 10 things in his or her lifetime that are beyond reason. These things can never be questioned and when asked "Why though?" they have the right to answer "Just cause..." The only exception to this rule is if the hatred is directed at a person based on their race, gender, sexuality, or creed... because let's face it, we need to be politically correct in our irrationality. I also believe that in order for irrational hatred to be socially acceptable, we must make our hatred known. In other words, we must scream it from the mountain tops without fear of being mocked or judged. As an honorable human being we must embrace our irrational hatred with disregard for how we may be viewed in the eyes of the public at large and then, and only then, will our irrational hatred be acceptable in the eyes of mankind.

So with reckless abandon and absolute certitude in my illogicality, I present the 10 Things I Can't Stand And Can't Really Explain (in no particular order)

1) Brussels Sprouts. Hate em. Haven't eaten one. Never will. Nothing about them looks even remotely appealing to me.

2) Any and every television show on CBS Primetime, including shows such as How I Met Your Mother, The Medium, Two and a Half Men, CSI, CSI : Miami and every other subsequent version of CSI. I should note that I've never watched a single episode of CSI or How I Met Your Mother. I will admit that I will watch Two and a Half Men from time to time and occasionally I'll laugh. I say this in the interest of full disclosure, not because it's something I'm proud of. But even after I've watched a half an hour of what some have called a "delightful" and "hilarious" sitcom, I'm left feeling empty and wanting something a little more intellectually stimulating... like a rousing game of The E.T. Board Game

3) Democratic Congressman Alan Grayson's Face. I'll be the first to admit that I'm a Democrat and I'm damn proud of it. I'll also admit that I'm probably one of the more liberal capitalists you'll ever meet. Alan Grayson is also a very liberal congressman from the state of Florida. Almost every single one of his political positions is in line with my way of thinking and he seems like a perfectly nice guy. But there's something about his face that rubs me the wrong way. Now don't get me wrong. I don't have a problem with him personally. I'm just talking about his face. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because his cheeks are abnormally large or because he looks like when he wakes up in the morning he dips his head in a tub of Vaseline. I don't want to speculate. Let's just say his face is bothersome.

4) Twitter. Don't get it Claymore has a Twitter account. I even have a Twitter account, but I've never even used it. I just joined to see what all the fuss was about and quickly realized I hated it. Here's my question, if you have Facebook explain to me what the point of Twitter is? I'm also slightly convinced that Twitter is a vast corporate conspiracy. I realize this is highly irrational and I probably can't explain what I mean when I say corporate conspiracy.

5) Book Trailers. I know, you're probably thinking what the hell is a book trailer? Well take a look at this one for the Stephen King novel Under the Dome. Every so often you'll see a little gem like this on TV and it makes me want to claw my eyes out.

6) Russell Brand. Hate the guy. Maybe it's the fact that he's not even remotely funny to me or maybe it has something to do with the fact that he looks like a cockatoo. Whatever it is, I don't think it justifies me hating the guy.

7) Nickels. Most people tend to hate pennies, which I'd have to agree are generally worthless given their minimal value, but I actually find the penny endearing. But Nickels. They're the worst. They're right between the penny and the dime. I often refer to them as the middle child of American currency. Okay, okay... I actually have never referred to them as that, but that's only because I rarely give the nickel any thought. I only pay for things in bills, quarters, and Susan B. Anthony dollar coins.

8) The french horn. Maybe it's because most french horn players I've met drive me a little crazy. Maybe it's because I find the design to be somewhat awkward. Or maybe it's because if there was one musical instrument that sounded most like a fart this would be it. I'm not 100% sure why, but I'm 100% sure I'd rather listen to a three year old jam out on a penny whistle!

9) The word caucus. Just not a fan.

10) That new movie about vampires and stupid shit.

- JG

Everything is Impossible Here in the World.

I am an avid- you might even say obsessive fan of This American Life on NPR. There was a story two weeks ago in Episode 394: Bait and Switch, titled Friends with Economic Benefits. This episode tied in with something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately- fake online dating profiles. “What about them?,” you may ask. They’re hilarious! That’s what!

Whereas the TAL episode got into the nitty-gritty of how poor, third-world country folks scam unsuspecting Americans out of money over the internet (another topic in which I’m deeply interested*), fake online dating profiles being one of the scammers’ means, the story didn’t pay due attention to just how awesome these fake profiles are.

Now to appreciate a fake profile in all its flawed awesomeness, let’s first break down how such a profile is typically constructed. “Now hold up a tick!” I hear you saying. “What makes you an authority on fake online dating profiles, or online dating at all? Do you online date? Have you been scammed? What’s the deal?” No, I have not been scammed. Yes, I have been known, from time to time, to online date. (Shut up.) I’ve also come across too many of these amazing profiles to keep them, or my expertise on them, to myself. Are you done interrupting me? Can we please move on now? Thank you.

So the next time you’re working the online dating circuit, here are some tell-tale signs that the appealing profile you’re perusing is a fake. Keep in mind, any one of these signs by itself does not necessarily a fake profile make. However, check off a few of these, and you most likely have an enterprising, poor third-world countryman on your hands, or a middle-aged white man working for an “adult” dating site, who wants to give you his hotmail address, so he can reroute you to the site he works for, so you can spend your money there. Here we go:


1) LOOKS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE

The photo of the person looks WAY too good. Like model good. Often times there is only one photo. If there are more photos, it’s possible that each photo is, in fact, of a different person. Maybe the scammers figure that if they hit you with pics of different women in the same profile, your hormone-riddled mind will simply mix them into one hot lady cocktail.


2) SAY WHAT!?

The “About Me” portion of the profile, the first part that a user typically reads, doesn’t make any damn sense. It’s full of vagueness, repetition, clichés, and/or bad grammar/syntax/spelling. Here are some examples:

VAGUENESS

“love to travel a lot and meet new exciting people who gave me the best shot ever...”

“I am looking for someone who [possesses the] same qualities I think anyone is looking for”

REPITITION

“want someone passionate who feels lots of passions for people and we have the passion between us, never losing passion for life”

CLICHES

“I live life to the fullest.”

BAD GRAMMAR/SYNTAX/SPELLING

“am seeking for a man that is full in love,caring and honest to be the man of my heart ,the one i can saver as the angel of my life...”

“haz to b nice 2 me. can b reel bit funni to sumtime”

3) MORE INFORMATION, PLEASE!

Aside from the photo and bio, there is no information about this person! Again, maybe the brain trust on the other end of this profile thinks its best to let you fill in the height, weight, occupation, personal interests, desired partner attributes, etc. with your imagination. Because who wouldn’t want a blank check when withdrawing from the bank of love? Okay, forget that metaphor. I was going for something there, and I don’t think it worked.

4) THIS GIRL HAS IT ALL!

The general message of the bio is that this person is a passionate, free-wheeling force of nature who still appreciates the finer things in life, and will be a good nurturer. She has been to many places and experienced many things. She has it all. She may even describe her affinity for being photographed, or her mad skillz on the dance floor. More suggestive features to guide the imagination.


So there you have it. Four indicators that you might be online falling in love with a fake person. Have you yourself fallen for any of these tricks? Are you thinking that I’m wrong because most of what I’ve described fits your profile? Are you now realizing that you’re not real? Please let me know your thoughts, concerns, or personal experiences in the matter.

And while you ponder these questions, I leave you with a fake bio, unedited, in all it’s glory…

I just like to have a good time some one who can make me happy. I like to go out with the girlsand also boys who also has a passion intimate affair or mabe dating.dancing is one of my favoritelikewise do a naughty dance and be crazy in the dance floor.But I also like to stay in andcuddle and watch movies in house with someone can pampered me.I take care of the ones i love and i will never fail to make you smile!I wanna make my thing be full ofhappiness.You know that guys,everything is impossible here in the world.

Let’s never forget, everything is impossible here in the world.

- BH


*For more on third-world country internet scammers, another excellent TAL story worth checking out is Episode 363: Enforcers, Act One. Hanging in Chad.

How To Use the New Claymore Blog!!!!!

Hi! Welcome to the new Claymore Blog™. You look great!

Of course, you may have noticed that the new Claymore Blog™ is the same as the old Claymore Blog™, but no one was reading that. So we had our Fungineers© create a whole new marketing strategy designed to erase the embarrassing Claymore Blog™, and replace it with the Claymore Blog™ that we assume so many people want. Navigating the new Claymore Blog™ is as easy as it's ever been! With just a few simple steps you'll be whizzing down the tubes of light that connect your brain to our many wonderful features.

First: Get a roll of duct tape.

Second: Make sure that your computer is generating at least a hundred Gigaruns a second. A simple way to do this is to try to count all the Gigaruns on your hands and feet; if you can, you don't have enough Gigaruns to use Claymore's Blog™! Don't Worry™! You can buy more at our online Accessibility Store (which, of course, is only accessible to those with enough Gigaruns, so you'll have to order more by sending a self-addressed envelope to 301 Industrial Way, Hobart Colorado, 4352-74582).

Do you already have your Claymore Advantage Card℠?! If not, you've already agreed to pay for one by reading this sentence, which was programmed with legally binding Slave HTML. We're currently zip-faxing the Claymore Advantage Card℠ to the address we scanned off the back of your retina. The advantage to the Claymore Advantage Card℠ is that once you have it, we won't send you any more!

If there's one thing that everyone needs to know about navigating the blog, it's...what's that?! Oh, you've just noticed the Blog Weasel®, haven't you? The Blog Weasel® is one of the many great ideas from our Fungineers©. He'll be running across the screen every few seconds, directing your attention to "Great Deals!" and "Fantastic Savings!" from our thousands of advertisers. Additionally, if you ignore the Blog Weasel®, he'll actually grab something important off of your desktop, and bury it deep into the internet. Don't Worry™! You can get it back by earning a hundred JOYpOints☺ from our advertisers, and solving a pretty basic Enigma cipher.

Guess what?! We here at Claymore know that sometimes it's hard to think of your liquid crystal diode screen as being just as good as a human face. That's why, to facilitate the Reader Enhanced Experience☀ we'll be using more interrobangs. What's an interrobang?! Why, it's this little doodad --> ?!

The interrobang¹ expresses suprise (!) and questioning (?) so that you can feel like what you're reading is being written by real human beings, and not by some massive blogging machine in the middle of a featureless server forest .

Oh, have you seen our Massive Blogging Machine?! Well, you can't actually see it yet, because the old man says it's not taking visitors; but we're assured it's really up in that cave. Either way, we're pretty much taking orders from it now.

Did you get the duct tape, yet? Good! Now begin taping the computer screen to your face, tying it off with a simple surgeon's knot, or possibly a Buntline Hitch. Make sure that it's attached tightly enough that neither you, nor a trained emergency medical technician can remove it.

Now you're ready to really experience the new Claymore Blog™. Wasn't that easy?!

¹ We're also hoping to bring you a more advanced interrobang, one that looks like this: ‽ . But, until we can afford the Apache Font Wizard that it comes in, we'll be buying them individually with money from your tithes. If you're not already tithing to Claymore, please visit the Tithing/Remittances portion of the website to set up a Tithepal account; and make sure to have your check routing number handy. Also, choose High Fidelity Tithing☂ and your tithe will be taken out forever without you having to re-subscribe, and then automatically passed along to your next-of-kin when you die. No more annoying mailers for you, savvy reader!